Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
