there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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