So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
