My sheets look like a crime scene.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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