i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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