I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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