I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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