He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
