Soap is not a condiment
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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