funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Randomize
