I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
