I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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