I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
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I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
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She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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