I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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