Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
