Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
