Don't make out with my wife yet
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
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