FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize