why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
