she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
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Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
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Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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