he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
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I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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