I'd wear matching sweaters with you
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
