i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
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Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
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He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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