Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
