i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
