I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
