Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
