You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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