i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
babies were throwing up all over the place
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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