I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
My liver just had a heart attack.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
