i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
