4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Randomize
