I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
