Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
