Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
It's like God shit irony all over that family
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
