I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
