I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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