I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
then he tried to convert me to islam
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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