Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
