Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Randomize
