someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Who put my cat in the fridge?
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