he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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