shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Randomize
