it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
