Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
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