cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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