Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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