Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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