seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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