no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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