There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Randomize