ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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