I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
