New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
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