im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
