Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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