i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Randomize
