chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
