Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
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